I try really hard to keep my house clean. The little buddies I have running around here make that kinda tricky, but if I can at least keep things picked up, the floor swept and the sink empty I feel pretty good about myself :p I told my husband that I feel like everything I do is basically pointless because I can spend the whole day on my feet picking up, washing, folding and organizing but by the end of the day it looks like I haven’t done anything but watch tv all day. When I wash the floor, someone spills. When I get the laundry folded and put away, someone finds a mud puddle. When I get the bathroom scrubbed and clean, someone…never mind. You get the idea.
I was rewashing the kitchen table the other day and reminded myself…someday I’ll clean this and it’ll stay clean. Immediately I knew…I’ll probably hate it. I’ll miss it. I love the chaos. I love the noise and the activity. I don’t love the mess, but I love what causes it. I prayed for this mess. I prayed for this when my house was clean and I sat in peace and quiet each evening unwinding from a day at work. From a day where I wore clothes that stayed clean all day, my jewelry coordinated with my outfit and my hair was brushed. I didn’t realize it, but I was praying for days like today…where my only piece of jewelry is my wedding ring, I’m wearing my husband’s shirt and my hair looks like I slept on it then just threw it up on my head (which I did). I spent the morning cleaning and so far there’s been cereal spilled on the couch, dirty jammies on the floor, and thanks to the rain, fresh worms in my clean tupperware. But I love it. I prayed for this mess.
It isn’t exactly what I envisioned. I pictured endless hugs and kisses, clean outfits, and kids entertaining themselves with crafts while they recite their ABCs and read books to each other (a girl can dream :p). It’s not what I envisioned, but it’s exactly what I prayed for. The answers to my prayers often don’t look anything like I expected them to. I pray for God to do this or that for me and get frustrated when things look differently than I thought they would, and then I remember…this is what I prayed for. I don’t get to direct God on how to answer my prayers. I don’t get to tell Him that He’s wrong or that He should’ve answered differently. I get to look around at the answers He gives me and thank Him for what feels like a mess, because it’s part of His plan for me. And His plan is good whether I can see it all or not.
I prayed God would use me and that I would reach people for Him. I had big plans for starting my own ministry, for speaking and leading people to Jesus. He answered that prayer. I might only have two little tiny people following my ministry…and sometimes they’re the only two people I see during the day…but when Bez tells me that Jesus is in his heart and that He whispers to Bez while he’s playing I know my prayers have been answered. When Benaiah is having a hard time falling asleep and Bez prays for him and sings “Jesus Loves Me” I know my prayers have been answered. Not what I envisioned, but what I prayed for.
After we had kids I prayed that God let me stay home with the boys and I wouldn’t have to go back to work. That He would direct us and bless the business that He has led Brandon to. He has…but it has been a LOT of work. It’s been a lot of nights where I’m home alone with the boys while Brandon puts in late hours at the office. It’s been a lot of wondering what our next step should be and uncertainty when things seem slow and finances seem tight. It’s not exactly what I envisioned, but it’s what I prayed for.
I’ve prayed and prayed that my kids will always love Jesus. That they will spend eternity with Him. We have two babies in Heaven that are already doing that. It’s not exactly what I envisioned, but it’s exactly what I prayed for.
So no matter what my days look like and how many times I clean up the same mess, I remind myself…I prayed for this mess. And it’s perfect.